One Secret To More Happiness Revealed

Do we have control over our happiness? Yes.

Here’s one immediate way to start feeling happier.

Sometimes what we most deeply long for is exactly what we are preventing ourselves from having. It’s us, not others that stand in the way of our own happiness. I realised this painfully in the last couple of days. Here’s the lesson I learned.

Blindfolding the blind

It started out quite innocently. A couple of weeks ago I took part in an outdoor group exercise, where blindfolded we were told to look for ‘the door to success’. Yes, it was that abstract and I didn't miss the opportunity to be sarcastic about it. Guess what … I didn't find the door to ‘heaven’. Now, the funny thing was that I didn't feel like a failure, I was OK with not fulfilling the purpose of the exercise. I said to the instructors I was enjoying the process. That's true, I was. What’s also true is that I didn't understand the purpose of the game and I chose to stay in denial. Up until now.

What was blinding me wasn't the band over my eyes. It was my ignorance. Sounds familiar? I like to think of myself as an intelligent, curious about life woman; I'm also a coach, and yet here I was offered a gift of finding out something new I didn't know about myself and still choosing to stay oblivious.

Can it be that simple?
You’re probably curious by now to know what was the purpose of the exercise. Here goes, the purpose was to ask for help. That’s all. Ask for help and someone will lead you to the doors of success. You don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. I didn't ask for help and I didn't admit that I have a problem with asking for help. For that matter, I didn't even consider asking for help as an option. Up until now.

Learning through crisis

Fast forward to the last couple of days. This time it wasn't a game, but a painful life lesson. I got into a string of futile quarrels with my partner, with one almost ending it all, just because I didn't even occur to me to ask him for help and support. I suppose I wanted to prove to the world and him that I can do it all myself, by myself. And what I discovered is that by not involving him and others I am sabotaging one of my greatest life longings - to be seen and understood. I was sabotaging my own happiness. I almost ruined our relationship. This experience and realisation left me raw and in process. It was a healing process for which I'm grateful. I've learned that asking for help is an easy way to feeling happier and it’s a strength, it definitely strengthened our love.

What about you?
In order not to forget the lesson I am writing this testimonial. I would also like to encourage you to look how are you with asking for help? What’s stopping you? How are you with receiving it? Who do you usually turn to for help? Who are you becoming? Make a list of 5 things you can ask for help with this week and if you want send them to me and I’ll hold you accountable.

Leave a comment below if you found the text resonated with your experience; I’d love to hear from you.

Thank you for reading this.

How much is the present worth?

I’m in the Ardennes. It’s raining. I planned this weekend getaway me time some weeks ago. I’m stranded in my hotel room and the question that came to my mind not once is: why did I pay 200 euro, for something I can have totally free home?

Now the question is misleading from the start. First of all, I wouldn’t have the same experience being home. I’d probably find millions of excuses to do other stuff then me stuff. Secondly, it’s tricky to put a price tag on what is actually unfolding. So what is it?

Honestly, I feel happy it’s raining and I’m stuck here. I’m sleeping like a new born, catching up on my reading, thinking of things I resisted for some time and doing stuff I’ve been avoiding. Yet again, I also feel impatient and anxious.

One of the things I’ve been avoiding is staying in the present moment. Yup, I know, its sounds silly, but try, it’s not easy. Now I’m breathing steadily, thinking what next to write, hearing the raindrops and noticing I’m slightly thirsty. There is something really comforting in being in the now, it takes a lot of focus and effort. Equally now is the only moment we are alive. There is something vibrate in taking in the present with all senses and awareness.

The hard part is that our mind is programmed to wonder and while enjoying the present I suddenly catch it dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. This is the anxious and impatient part. I’m thinking about last Thursday, when I had an unexpected evening, and what did the people I spend it with think, did they like it. And then jumping to Monday, when I’ll be driving to Strasbourg, worrying about work, tasks and meetings. All this is imagination, make-believe, non-existing, yet it creates such strong and real feelings.

I suppose being here and now is like exercising a muscle, takes time. In that case I'll end with the weather forcast. Tomorrow will also rain.

P.S. I'm not sure how the picture fits the text, just have a feeling somehow it does. 

Four things to know about losing the sense of time

I am not the first to be intrigued by the concept of time. But it was the first time in a very long while that I have completely lost the sense of it.  And yes, I do wear a watch.

Recently I read about the experience of flow, when people are so absorbed by what they are doing, and usually it’s something they feel passionate about, that they forget about time. Time shrinks for them, almost like while sleeping. These people describe life as very enjoyable, no matter what are their circumstances. They may be pilots or check out chicks. According to them, experiencing flow equals happy life.

# Rule 1: Losing the sense of time makes life enjoyable

For me time is a very important reference. I simply like to know how long it takes my hair to dry, what time it is during the day, or when I went to sleep. Yet this Friday all this became irrelevant. I was caught by surprise and I didn’t plan for it.

# Rule 2: You cannot plan for losing the sense of time

So how do you get there? Since you cannot plan for being there, what you can do is set the scene. The side effect of realising you were in a flow-like moment is discovering your passion, or in other words, stuff that are meaningful to you. Take note of them, this is your key to happy. So, this Friday, all I did is rearrange one room* and later met my friends. May sound not much, but apparently this was my scene for losing the sense of time.

# Rule 3: Discovering stuff that are meaningful

Throughout that whole day I barely took notice of the time. And by the end of it I totally forgot it existed. I had a feeling that it both stretched and shrank at the same instance. One other side effect, which Mr Zuckerberg won’t appreciate, is that Facebook stops existing too. Actually, the GSM stops existing, WhatsApp, weather updates, emails, missed calls, Instagram, candy crusher. Unless of course it’s all the above that you feel passionate about ;)

# Rule 4: No sense of time, no GSM

Read more about the experience of flow by clicking here.

*Thank you Vanessa for your help and support :)